I wish I’d had the time to post this yesterday, but I was so busy that I couldn’t find any time to blog. I had an orientation at my internship, then I had to run to the mall (did you know that Apple will replace your computer charger for free if the rubbery stuff on the outside starts to crack and fray?!), and then I spent the rest of the day with my brother and sister-in-law. When I got home, all I wanted to do was FaceTime with the hubs, so FIMF got pushed to today. So for this week it’s… Faith in My Weekend? Sure, we’ll go with that.
This week, for the first time since starting this blog, I’m actually going to write on the topic that I intended to – anxiety caused by uncertainty.
So I have a confession to make. I’ve been bitten by the baby bug. HARD. I’ve always known I wanted to be a mother, but lately… I don’t know if it’s because a lot of my friends are starting to get pregnant or trying to get pregnant, but I’ve had babies on the brain a lot lately.
In true me fashion, I’ve been badgering the hubs about a timeline. ”Just an idea?” I keep asking him. Logically, I know it’s virtually impossible to know when we’re going to be in the place we want to be to have children. Aside from the fact that we currently live on opposite sides of the world, obviously now is not that time if for no other reason than I’m still in school. We’ll finally be reunited and living under the same roof again (for the first time in 2.5 years!) once I graduate. We both want to have quite a bit of time together just being married before we have kids. These things we know, and these things I’m comfortable with. Beyond that, I feel the need to get a definite “this is when we start trying” date… much the same way I feel the need to control every aspect of our lives down to details for things that aren’t going to happen at least a year from now. Sounds insane, right?
That’s because it is. The hubs is so amazing at living in right now and understanding that we’ll be setting ourselves (read: me) up for disappointment to put a definite date on something so unplannable. He knows that it will happen organically and when it feels right; when it feels like this is where God’s plan has led us, is when we’ll know. And then we’ll be able to find comfort in knowing that it wasn’t something forced because of my anxiety over an arbitrary deadline.
I want so much to find that peace, and so I turn to Proverbs 16:9. Through prayer and a lot of conversations, we’ve planned our course as much as we can – we know that children are in our plan and our future. But God is the one who’ll decide how we get there, and I need to learn to trust that this will happen in His time.
Currently, I’m walking through the rain just getting wet. I’ve spent so much time worrying about what’s next, where am I going, when will this happen, how do I plan around every little thing that may or may not happen? It’s been driving me (and probably the hubs) totally insane and ramping up my anxiety like crazy. I want to be one who relishes the feeling of rain on my skin and can turn my face to the skies and smile. I’m not there yet, but I think with a lot of prayer and reflection, I’ll get there. Releasing that control a little at a time (realizing you have an issue is step one to fixing it, right?) feels better than I ever thought it would … and a year ago, I never thought I’d say something like that!